I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
