walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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