I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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