i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
