You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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