I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize