And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
