yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
