Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
