i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
