I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
