I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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