So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
