I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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