So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
