and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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