So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
