so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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