Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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