i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
