Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
