Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
