My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
