awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
