Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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