I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you had me at cake vodka
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
