he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
