im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
