apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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