I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
