It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize