I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need a beard to bite.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
