Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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