Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
