If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
