y did u give ur computer a hand job?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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