Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
