while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
