I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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