i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
