I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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