I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
