No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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