apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
