im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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