If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
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