I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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