Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
