Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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