Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize