They should really pass out barf bags in church
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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