Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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