It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
