I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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